In the eye of a shit storm.

Speaking in storms, people might think being in the eye/middle isn’t so bad. You’re halfway through to clearer skies and may even experience a moment of clarity while in the midst of it all. I guess that’s one way to look at it, if you’re being optimistic. As of late, half of my optimism has been forced.
How I would be looking at this/how I am looking at my personal shit storm goes like this: the initial blow is over- I am well aware a storm cell has moved in without appearing on radar first. I’ve suffered some structural damage and a copious amount of water loss from the ocular regions. For a brief second, I didn’t know if I wanted to “weather” it or if I’d be strong enough- but I’ve made it to they eye, the center, the middle, the turning point. I have a second to breathe before I move on to face/succumb to the other half of the storm. The other half could be just as bad, could be worse, or could even be better- nothing more than a little wind and a few sprinkles.

Image from google- I added my location

Image from google- I added my location

Let’s quit speaking storms for a second and be real. I haven’t been feeling like “myself” for the last few months. I am not even sure I know what “myself” is supposed to feel like anymore. I hit a rocky phase and started feeling pretty down about myself in about the beginning of spring- early April. An event took place that triggered it and brought these feelings on full force, though said event wasn’t actually the underlying cause.

I bounced back and was starting to feel better about me and where I was at/going in my life and then my relationship ended abruptly. In one conversation my world was turned upside down- I was unsure if I could still start school, should still accept the job that had been offered to me (at less money) to be able to do so, and where I would be living. I was so caught up into trying to make myself OK, trying to get back to where I was before this “funk”  that I didn’t/couldn’t notice he was unhappy and struggling.

Fast forward present day- two months later and I have found a place to live and move in next week…with random people that I found on Craigslist. They seem great, but there’s still that little red flag. I’m in school and doing well in all of my classes. I am unhappy at the new job- though the people I work for are super nice. I am happy to say that I am friends with the man I once thought I was going to marry and we can start to move on. On paper things don’t look that bad-I should be excited for the future because certainly it must hold good things.

But all I want to do is hide under my covers. I feel like I’m on a slow path of self-destruction. I used to exercise frequently and that is a rarity these last couple weeks. My diet has gone from decent to blah. I used to be so prepared for the book clubs I run – I’d have attendance tracked, questions drawn up and answered beforehand and the book read long before the night prior to meeting- and now it’s like I don’t care. I used to enjoy taking/editing pictures of CO scenery and now I don’t even glance at my camera. I skipped my favorite class yesterday because I didn’t feel up to going. Those things could all be considered relatively harmless short-term. I had a very minor surgery almost a week ago and was sent home with vicodin. Now I want to feel numb and be stoned all the time. I even found myself wanting to get some weed (because it’s CO and wouldn’t be hard to do) to go with the vicodin and really feel nothing. Not so relatively harmless.

But then I checked my email and saw that a favorite blogger had posted something and I always read what she posts because usually there’s something in there that’s so damn applicable to my life and even if there’s not- I enjoy her writing. If you get a chance, please check this out because it was so perfect for me and exactly when I needed it. Today I am taking my one day to feel whatever I need to feel. I called in sick from work and decided the first half of the day will be spent in bed feeling whatever. Then, as I’m sure I will still be as emotionally exhausted  as I feel I am all. the. time. lately, I’m going to force myself to nap. Upon waking up, I will do SOMETHING for myself- most likely it’ll be start searching for possible other job options because I can’t stay somewhere I’m not happy just because the people are so nice and I don’t want to put them in a pickle. And then I’m going to go for a run and I’m going to visualize that I’m running away from myself now and running toward the myself I want to be. I’ve already taken the first step by writing something.

And then I’ll start over tomorrow. I know I’m only half way through the storm and the last half will be upon me soon, but I don’t want to succumb to it. I want to take this moment of clarity while in the eye and regroup, repair some of the damage, and weather the other half. Some days may be a struggle (I could easily turn my “one day” into a few or one day a week if I let myself) and I may have to find some friends to keep me accountable for certain other “me” things.

I’m a fan of Gary Allan and his last album Set You Free  (I encourage you to listen to a few tracks if you have some time) has been very easy for me to relate to.  Like he says in one of his new singles, “Every storm runs out of rain…”  Here’s hoping.

 

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About dawn of april

Figuring life and the "about me" out as I go :) In a nutshell: I work, go to school, run a women's book club, support the local music scene in Denver, and whatever else floats my boat at the time.
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One Response to In the eye of a shit storm.

  1. RFL says:

    I’m so sorry to read about everything you are going through. This piece was beautifully written though, and I could relate to so much of what you’re describing. It seems like so many of life’s shit storms hit us all at once. I’m glad you’re taking a day for yourself, and I hope it helps. I’ve found that when I give myself that time to wallow and really just be in whatever I’m feeling, then I’m much more likely to follow through with the action part of the plan. And every small step counts.
    PS, I love Gary Allan, and I went for a run today too!
    If you need someone to talk to, you can always email me.

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