The SkyMall Body

So a couple weeks ago we went to Florida. Flying Southwest Airlines you have open seating which could be kind of cool. Flying stand by you’re pretty much guaranteed a middle seat next to any combo of Snory, Smelly, Creepy, Annoying Child, Sales Pitcher, Fear of Flying, etc. You’re definitely not going to get to sit next to the person you’re flying with. So as I’m in between Snory and Overly Talkative Middle Aged Man, I decide to pick up a SkyMall magazine and see what that was all about (yes, I’ve never looked at SkyMall- I always get to sit next to people I fly with and have stimulating conversation). Boy was I in for a surprise! I actually learned a lot of things from SkyMall. Lesson 1 I share with you is how to get back to that body you had when you were young (and I mean really young) and how to make it look its best.

First- weight loss. I can lose 126.1 pounds in…wait for it… 10 weeks AND get a “best selling shaper” which will reduce INCHES off my torso AND give me a shapelier butt with “magic benefit panties” all for the low price of $250! Do you know how many months of paid membership it would take me at the gym to lose that much weight?! I don’t think I could do it! All I would do is gain it back in muscle! Now, if I want to effortlessly “tone, tighten, firm, and strengthen” my abs (and why wouldn’t I) I just need to add $199, but why stop there?  I can tone my arms, legs, and butt for just another $149! So, the approximately 25 pounds of skin and bones I’m left with after 10 weeks would be looking pretty good.

I should be able to make her feel "plump" when I'm done

I should be able to make her feel “plump” when I’m done

Alright, now that my body can be looking fly, let’s focus on my hair. All the weight loss will probably thin it out some. No worries, SkyMall has me covered! I can easily get a full head of hair in THIRTY SECONDS! All I need to do is match my hair color to one of the 9 offered (should be easy, I think the world only has 9 hair color varieties) and shake on magnetized fibers that will stick by static electricity which will stay in place through wind and rain but shampoos out easily. How great! In the event I want something more permanent or don’t want to spend $22 on a 0.36 oz bottle or even in the super rare event my hair doesn’t match one of the 9 color choices, I can use laser lights! This option is conveniently offered in a small, mobile, handheld device OR a Roomba looking thing with earphones. The handheld device is only $199 but the whole head sized one comes with built in iPod/mp3 interface and high quality headphones (growing hair must be loud) and is a steal for just $695! If I should find any premature greys, SkyMall is where I’ll turn. I can get shampoo, conditioner and a supplement that will make my hair go from grey to my natural color (which is one of 9 I’m sure). Now I just need to style it- EASY- SkyMall has all the traditional “simple” styling solutions found at Wal-Mart but with different names. For example, I can get the Bump It’s whore cousin the EZ Tease which is the “only volumizing tool that works”.  Can’t argue with that. Hair=DONE!

Not when you have so many options!

Not when you have so many options!

I don’t just want the best body and hair; I also need great skin. My skin will probably take a beating since I still don’t know what miracle chemicals are in my dietary supplements (but they will take me back to my pre-college and hell even pre-preschool weight, why would I need to worry!). For the wrinkles that my extra skin will create, I’ll just get BEAUtyTox-no injections necessary! 119.99 for 1.69 fl oz of a “unique, specially formulated (with what) serum”. As I’ll be losing weight and have unknown miracle chemicals floating around my body, I’m sure my immune system will suffer. For any skin infections I might find myself with, I’ll turn to SkyMall (duh) for their $99 Dermaseptic device which delivers antimicrobial silver ions right to the infected area and Wa-La! Now, if one day I’m searching through leftover skin rolls and come across a mole, wart, or skin tag, you might think my only option is having it surgically removed. You’re wrong. Thanks to “recent breakthroughs in herbal chemistry” I can remove them in my home for GOOD(*results may vary. Statements not evaluated by the FDA*). To remove 4 moles, etc. I can get the original cream for $39.99 but for just $69.99  I can get EXTRA strength cream PLUS healing balm which will remove 15 skin tags, etc. I can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want healing balm and EXTRA strength!

I’m so happy I picked up a SkyMall. All I did the whole flight was write stuff in it and circle things I could make fun of…don’t be surprised if another SkyMall post makes an appearance. Don’t get me wrong, there are some cool things in there…but for the most part: Ridiculous. Now, I gotta go get working on my new body!

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About dawn of april

Figuring life and the "about me" out as I go :) In a nutshell: I work, go to school, run a women's book club, support the local music scene in Denver, and whatever else floats my boat at the time.
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