I’m writing this with the hopes that my friend…let’s call him “Beastwood”, will get a kick out of it. The boyfriend and I visited him in the hospital this past Sunday where is recovering from a head on collision resulting from a drunk driver hit him while he was on his motorcycle. I’ve never laughed so hard in my life, especially at a hospital. Let me just first start by saying Beastwood is one of the coolest people you could ever hope to meet and he’s really quite funny; I’m definitely not alone in saying I’m thankful he’s alive. Now, on with it. As we were in there, he was telling us what he remembers of the accident and it was chilling. But we also joked about how over time the story was going to progress- so I thought I’d write the story as it will be 10-15 years from now.
It was a dark, chilly night and after an evening of gallivanting around town on his newly fixed motorcycle, Beastwood decided to head for home. He’d found some abandoned kittens and puppies along the side of the road, so naturally he rescued them and after securely placing them in a basket on his bike, he headed straight for the orphanage. Nothing would light up the faces of those sad, tiny humans like kittens and puppies. He was driving along, feeling good about how the night was going to go when all of a sudden he thought he noticed headlights on his side of the road.
Beastwood just figured there must have been some construction because surely no law-abiding citizen such as himself would be intentionally driving down the wrong side of the road, so he just proceeded with caution, slowing down to approximately 40 mph. Upon further inspection, he noticed it was an 18 wheeler carrying a bulldozer on the flatbed behind it and it was moving dangerously fast. They were about to pass each other, unharmed when the driver of the big rig swerved toward Beastwood hitting him head-on. In seconds that seemed like hours, Beastwood had to think quickly. The driver was so intoxicated that Beastwood could smell whiskey the second they connected in the ugly grinding of metal. In a millisecond’s time, he laid the bike down in between himself and the 18 wheeler which was now starting to skid and grabbed the basket of helpless baby animals before being flung onto the far side of the highway and knocked unconscious.
He came to and saw a civilian standing over him, telling him he’d dialed 911 and asking if there was anything else he could do. In and out of coherency, he told the civilian all he wanted was to make sure the orphans received the infant puppies and kittens he’d rescued. The paramedics didn’t anticipate he’d live long enough to get his cutesy hand-drawn thank you card from the orphanage, but he proved them wrong. The accident shattered many of his bones and the only way to piece them back together was with a metal alloy called adamantium, the strongest of all metals.
After a lengthy recovery involving six of the most beautiful nurses in the hospital giving him daily sponge baths and “deep tissue” massages, Beastwood went out to spend the hefty settlement he received from the drunk man that hit him. I may not have mentioned this but the drunk man was one of the wealthiest in the western US, owning several companies. He is currently serving his 15 year sentence in prison where being a former CEO only means you’re one of the more “desired” ones.
Immediately after providing the orphanage with enough funding for the next 5 years of operation, Beastwood decided to open a bar; a sports “themed” type bar. He divided it into two sections- the top being called “Versus.” (Think ____vs. ____) and the downstairs being called “Showers”. Versus would be where all the games are watched, played, teams picked, etc. but Showers is where all the action is and where you can really get inside info.
Once the bar was erect and running solid, Beastwood left day to day operations to a dear friend of his who was more into the sports life than he. After some serious character research, Beastwood developed a hit TV show called Oxy and Penny, two friends living together. Oxy is a little more serious- does his job and carries on with day to day activities. Penny suffers from multiple personalities and memory loss, so she’s just a wreck but the two have a dynamic relationship that people can’t get enough of. The sitcom was such a success, it’s been made into a Hollywood movie!
Beastwood keeps what money he needs and donates the rest to charities saving abandoned puppies, kittens, nuns, and children. He won a Nobel Peace prize for finding an effective way to stop anyone from ever driving drunk again and the world is an all around better place simply because he survived 🙂
***Sidenote– he really did make a little video because he was bored and pretty doped up– the characters- his pen (Penny) and his blood-oxygen monitor (Oxy)- it was ridiculous and hilarious and I wish I could share it!**