I hate boobs. Well, ok that’s not entirely true- I can admit I’ve envied a set or ten; I am not a fan of my own. They’re big, too big. To anyone who says they want bigger boobs, consider this post. I’m a whopping 5’2” when I round up and was “blessed” pretty short torso. I’m not super overweight I’d say…maybe even average-ish, but everything is awkwardly proportioned around my boobs so it’s just not flattering, regardless of what I try- and I’ve tried various things.

I got my first training bra the summer before third grade… yup- and I was young for my class having a birthday towards the end of the year so I was a whole EIGHT years old. They stayed fairly manageable with small, regular bras until mid 5th grade when they spiraled into a C-cup. Then I decided it was embarrassing (all the boys picked on me…and so did my male 6th grade teacher) so I opted for HUGE T-shirts. By the middle of 7th grade, I was cool for having boobs- yay me and by 8th grade, my “friends” started calling me ‘Double D’. When I was closing in on my sophomore year, I decided to embrace them- I was 115 pounds with a huge rack and most of the girls envied me- rightfully so; had I been 18 or 21 my weekend salary at the local strip joint could have easily matched what I’m making a week now, even being short. I opted to work at gas stations instead for minimum wage. Fast forward- I get married gain a bunch of weight…at my worst was 178 (which is scary on a 5 foot frame) and lo and behold boobs get HUGE and we go back to embarrassed, oversized T-shirt wearing.

Fast forward again to present day; it’s now two years since the divorce, I’ve dropped 40 pounds which is nice, but isn’t quite yet where I want to be, and finally my boobs have started to shrink. HOORAY…except it feels like there’s soo much loose skin around them and they look almost sunken when I’m lying on my back. I can’t win. I’ve also discovered that having boobs and trying to wear them well makes you look like a hoochie. I can wear the same shirt as one of my friends who is in the small C-class…and she looks super cute; flirty but respectable. I put it on and I look like I’m going out to walk the streets for money. It’s truly not fair. Let’s not even discuss swim suit shopping; I lose every time.

Imagine this is my friend. Cute, flirty, respectable.

This is what I would look like in the same shirt. Whore-tastic street walker.

Over the past 16 years, I’ve gotten some odd, creepy, rude, comments and looks directed at my boobs. I’ve also received some nice ones, but those aren’t relevant to this post ;). Recently, I took a picture with my friend, Bear for his birthday and up on facebook it went because I thought it was a cute picture. Some man he is friends with comments, “WOW…her chest makes your belly look small…you should hang out with her…” WTF! If I hadn’t been wearing 4 inch heels would that comment have been that I make his package look small?!

Want to look skinny- be 6′ and stand next to me!…

“Men” of all ages seem to notice the fun sacs I’m hauling around, but the little ones don’t have quite a grasp on the proper boob etiquette. My cousins little boy decided he’d like to randomly grab them as we were riding in a car a few years back. He was about three and I sat next to him in the backseat and read him a book…midway through the book, with no warning, he reached over and grabbed as much as his hands could fill and said, “Honk”. He’s now 7 and thinks boobs are just hilarious. The little fellow I nanny for has recently taken interest in what’s under the hood. At two and a half, sometimes it’s faster to carry him and he thinks it is fun to lift my shirt and try to sneak a peek. I’m TERRIFIED to see what happens to the girls when I have kids of my own. I’m gonna have a bad time. Even worse when I’m “older”.

Oh Boy! I can’t wait!

Personally, I’m not much of a shopper anyways but man do I despise shopping for bras. It seems I try on about 30 before I find one that passes the “jump/bendover” test and they’re always tan, white, or black- no pretty designs or colors. Not to mention, every place I go I’m a different size so that really makes things fun. I tried Victoria’s Secret…and ended up a 36D (I laughed, but I knew I’d shed some pounds so I went with it, plus it was soft and pretty and felt snug) which was great for a little while but the breasts did their best on it and now I overflow even while sitting- never mind jumping or bending over. I read this post by Tracy Fulks (who is pretty funny) which has inspired me to check out Nordstrom’s next time and have someone else grope me and recommend a new grabber for the girls. Not going to lie, that post also inspired me to finish this one- see I’ve started a bunch- right when I have an idea I’ll write the first couple lines or so and always intend on coming back to it, but when I do the inspiration is gone so thanks Tracy for making me finish this one- I often complain about my boobs to the boyfriend (who has no complaints about them himself- go figure) and now the “world” knows, so I can suck it up and quit whining. 😉


About dawn of april

Figuring life and the "about me" out as I go :) In a nutshell: I work, go to school, run a women's book club, support the local music scene in Denver, and whatever else floats my boat at the time.
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7 Responses to BOOBIES

  1. Wow, April. I COMPLETELY understand this dilemma. I wear a bra size that Victoria Secret doesn’t even carry and I’m just a smidge over 5’3″. I said to my friend once that I don’t really remember having smaller than a C cup, even in middle school, and he laughed. I always feel awkward about my boobs and I’m trying to lose some weight, but as I lose it, my boobs will be smaller, but so will I so they’ll still seem big in proportion. Anyway…I’ve been there. Love the post!

  2. Ankur Sharma says:

    Hahahahahaha 😀
    I am 6’3”. You should stand next to me 😀

  3. Pingback: I’m a Terrible “Girl” | Dawn of April

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