The Joys of Traffic.

Ugh. Just typing “The Joys of Traffic” reminds me of finding my mothers “The Joy of Sex” book when I was a child- by child I mean probably 12. I remember thinking, “what the hell, it can’t be that great if they have to write a book and spell it out and why does my mom have it?! does that mean her and my dad…. EWWW!”


Anyways- this post is not about sex- it’s about traffic. I hate traffic. It is probably one of the few things I actually miss about living in a mostly uncivilized area. I could get from one end of town (20,000 people) to another in about 10 minutes East to West or North to South. Northeast to South west or switched kitty corner was about 15, depending on lights. Where I lived in relation to work, I could leave 7 minutes before I had to be there…and still park, finish my song, make it inside and clocked in, ready to go right when my shift started.

Oh man I haven’t heard this song in FOREVER!

Now- I have 2 main routes that I take- one interstate and about 10 miles from where I live to where I work (downtown), the other a major road, but littered with stoplights and intersecting a major shopping area that is about 6 miles. Either way, I never know how long it will take me to get to work. I always leave about 35-40 minutes before I am supposed to be there. 35-40 freaking minutes! That’s as long as it takes me to get ready-shower to finish (I am a terrible girl). So many things can happen in 35-40 minutes.

It’s about the length of a full cd- so I have to switch up music on my mp3 often (* luckily I know some bands here that are awesome and I don’t get sick of them 😉 *).
It’s the length of a good work-out- the kind that hurt in a good way the next day.
It’s about the same amount of time it would take me to drive the 45 miles to college…in S. Dakota.
It’s about the amount of time a good romping session should be (maybe this post did have some sex in it) including either foreplay or cuddling- but probably too short for both.
It’s the amount of time it takes to sit down and have a good, quality family meal around a table.
There are so many things that can happen in 35-40 minutes. Lives can be changed in seconds, let alone the better part of an hour. And I spend it TWICE A DAY in traffic.

Some people may say they use that time to prepare for the day or reflect on the day, depending on which way you’re headed. Some say that’s when they make their necessary phone calls and catch up on things. I’ve even heard of listening to self- help books and really finding yourself. If I used that time to “find myself” I’d find one bitter broad.

That’s about right!

I don’t care about your family stickers that tell me you have 2 kids and a dog and you’re as thin as a stick (at least thats how you advertise yourself on your rear windshield). I don’t care who you vote for- it’s just going to make you look like a dumbass if they don’t win. I don’t want to see you dancing and jamming out to 90’s pop (not that I don’t do it occasionally , but I don’t want to spend time watching you do it).

What I do want is for you to have fully functional brake lights. It’d be cool if you used your blinker also. Speed limits are good- 10 above the speed limit is fine by me- 10 below is a no go. If you choose to go 10 below, please, please, PLEASE utilize the right lanes. I can’t stress that enough. If you must text while you drive, try to stay in your own lane- at a consistent speed- and pay attention. If you intend on merging- maybe it would be a good idea to use your blinker…and check the other lanes to see if there’s anyone else who’s thinking about your lane of choice- you might just sideswipe some bitter broad who’s merged just seconds before you. That could have been avoided.

If I were a dude, this would be me

Another thing I CANNOT stress enough is if you see flashing lights it does NOT mean you need to slow down to a creep to investigate what’s going on. Probably you should keep moving so that traffic can flow at a smooth pace to allow other emergency vehicles to get to where the pretty flashing lights are. I just hate hate hate when I can’t figure out why it’s a Tuesday and traffic is stop-and-go at a slower time and see someone pulled over on the side by a police officer and LITERALLY the SECOND after passing those blue and red lights everyone starts going the speed limit. Mind your own damn business and quit jamming me up!

The inconsistency is great though- really it is. I love leaving and not knowing if I will be 15 minutes early because traffic is flowing as slick as a slip ‘n slide loaded with KY or if I’ll be 20 minutes late because some idiot was texting behind a slow driving idiot with non-functional brake lights and they had a little fender bender everyone needs to investigate. By the way- that was sarcasm- I hate inconsistency.

Boy, oh boy I can’t wait until I move in 2 weeks….further away from work…with one, non interstate, logical option to work…  Yup, I just sarcasm’d all over you!


About dawn of april

Figuring life and the "about me" out as I go :) In a nutshell: I work, go to school, run a women's book club, support the local music scene in Denver, and whatever else floats my boat at the time.
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4 Responses to The Joys of Traffic.

  1. royminor says:

    Very funny stuff! 🙂

  2. RFL says:

    Great post! Traffic sucks…I’ve never found anything productive to do while sitting in it.

    • as i am currently in stop and go i guess it’s been an opportunity to follow up on some comments and read some new posts …only in the stop part of it…i don’t want to be “THAT guy”

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