Fate? Destiny? Coincidence?

I often think of the way paths cross and how the littlest things can change everything. In fact- the ending to my last post was “It’s funny how things work sometimes and how the smallest thing can change everything…” I probably spend more time thinking about stuff like this than most people do. For example- we are in the process of moving and were talking financials to see if we could swing rent on three places for one month; mine (last month of my lease), his (plus lease cancellation fee), new one (plus deposit). It was going to be rough and things were going to be really tight, but it was feasible. We decided this on Friday morning and the boyfriend was going to email our future landlord…until I went out to leave for work and my jeep wouldn’t start.

My jeep’s name is Jeffrey and he’s 8 years old. For the most part, he is pretty well behaved and has been good to me. Three times now, however, I’ve considered giving him up for adoption- right before Christmas, one time in February, and for the last 4 days. Excluding the current period of misbehavior, the other two times he just didn’t want to go anywhere for a few hours. We would put the key in, turn, and just heard a “nah, I don’t feel like it” click from his end, but after a few hours he’d start right up and be ready for a road trip. I think it is the real deal this time since he hasn’t moved (aside from us having to push his 5,000 pound ass across the parking lot since it was going be paved on that side) since I got home Thursday night. I’m no mechanic, but I tried jumping him to no avail and after having the battery test good, I’ve decided it’s probably the starter. Either way, he wants a little money spent on him before he’ll take me anywhere, which could and probably will put a damper on our move.

Which sort of  brings me back to my original thoughts- what if I’d had Jeffrey examined the first or second time he acted up, or what if I had already put the deposit money down on the new place? Would anything be different? Something that in reality is a small hiccup may change where we end up living and starting our future together. And from there what else will change- the people we would get to know in our new neighborhood, the stores and restaurants we would frequent, etc. Of course all this depends on how much it will cost to fix my jeep and if I can do it myself (with the help of my mechanically inclined friend “Bear“) or if I’ll have to pay to have it towed to a shop where I will pay them ridiculous amounts of money for labor. But that got me thinking about other things.

My relationship, for instance. How many little things had to happen for that to become what it is, and what small changes could have prevented or prolonged our union from happening? To break it down, I could start from before my marriage. My dad lived in Loveland, CO for 2 years when he was in high school and always talked about how pretty it was (of course, in a manly way) but we never visited so it was always someplace I wanted to see for myself. When I was talking about getting married, I decided I wanted our honeymoon to be in Colorado, specifically the Denver area. My ex-husband, “James”, always said he wanted to move, but when the time came to actually talk about it, he’d find reasons why we shouldn’t and why every place I’d want to go would be bad for us. When we divorced I knew as soon as I got on my feet, I’d want to move somewhere and start over.

I didn’t think Denver could really be a viable option at the time and I didn’t know anyone out there, so I didn’t even consider it at that point. Enter “Dale”. I started dating Dale shortly after my husband moved out and we filed for divorce- probably too soon, but no regrets. Dale lived his first 5 years on this Earth in Denver and has 2, soon to be 3 best friends living in Denver, and knows a handful of others out here. He mentions wanting to move to that part of the globe in a few months and if things are going well between us, I should too. BINGO! But things didn’t go well. We broke up almost 2 months before he moved.

Enter my roommate, “Lynn”. People thought it was weird that Lynn and I became friends after James moved out because she dated him for a couple years before he and I spent almost 5 years together. Not just that, but a few times he “needed a break” and would always end up in her bed. Yes, I know…I am an idiot for taking him back and for probably thinking her and I would make good friends. Surprisingly to everyone, Lynn and I worked and became “bff’s”. Lynn was around for my relationship Dale, and talked about wanting to move to Colorado too. Turns out, she’d been to Denver a couple times and loved it. A few weeks after Dale and I split, Lynn and I talk and decide we could make this move happen.

As I said in my last post, after I announced I would be relocating to The Mile High City, the “I’ve been missing you” and “it’ll be good to have you here” texts came rolling in from Dale. We started texting, but not expecting anything to happen once I got out there; deciding to just hang out as friends and see what happens. When I arrive in Denver and we see each other, it is pretty apparent we are going to get back together. My second night here we go see the band that his 2 roommates (“Paul” and “Gene”) are in. It’s their first show and it’d be cool to check out some live music, have some drinks- what the hell.

I remember saying to Lynn, “I really dig their music, it sounds like stuff I’d actually listen to…and the singer’s not bad looking either”. That singer happened to be my current beau. We met that night and I started seeing him around Paul, who had answered a classified my boy posted looking for a fellow musician. This boy and I grew to be friends, then close friends, and after I left Dale I knew I wanted more. I casually suggested we be each other’s “back-ups” if we weren’t married by 30. He suggested 25…my 25th, knowing it was only a year and a half away from that time and I started to suspect he wanted more too. 🙂

But I can’t help but wonder- What if Paul never moved here (he’s also from S. Dakota) or never answered/stumbled upon the current boyfriend’s ad? What if I hadn’t friended Lynn (who if you remember slept with Dale, eventually moved back, and is no longer someone I consider a friend) and had someone to move here with? What if James and I would have had children before we divorced? What if I hadn’t suggested making a “back-ups” sort of deal with my boyfriend? *I’ve actually asked him this and he said we would have happened eventually, it just might have taken him a little longer to be sure I was into him and ready to move on* What if my dad had never lived here, rendering him unable to talk about it and put the initial idea into my head? Or more unnerving, what if he loved it here and had never moved back to where he was from in Minnesota and met my mom? I can’t be the only one who wonders these sort of things, can I? Literally, almost everyday I think of some path that lead me to where I am now and what circumstance I am in and ponder all the little things that could have changed it. What would it be like if it were different?


About dawn of april

Figuring life and the "about me" out as I go :) In a nutshell: I work, go to school, run a women's book club, support the local music scene in Denver, and whatever else floats my boat at the time.
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